I am so drunk right now. Not really drunk drunk but drunk enough to forget I have a block against writing now. So a few updates are that I have decided to apply to graduate school; I am pretty motivated because it’s only like a 2 blocks away from my apartment. A year ago or so I wrote a post ‘fuck college’ or something along those lines but now I know I cannot make more money unless I go into more debt. I want to be a Family Marriage Therapist or and MFT. Everybody and their mama is becoming and MFT but I am pretty confident I can find my niche. Applying for college has got me to thinking about the first time I went to school and all the missed opportunities; I promise myself this time if I am lucky enough to graduate (or even attend) I am going to ride the fuck out of this thing. When I was college I did not have a lot of sex and was not very relaxed. If I get into school this time I am gonna hook up at least 3x and be relaxed as fuck because I know the game a little better now.
I am so bored and horny that I have been contemplating hooking up with one of my coworkers. This dude is just like every other dude that I have hooked up with in the past; an unavailable dick. I wonder if I will ever find a dude that likes me and I realize that I have some shit to work one before I can make that happen. I am getting more into that ‘law of attraction’ stuff and I realize that I more focused on what I don’t want than what I do. I cannot stop thinking about all my bad experiences and such and what I hate about men. Sometimes though I think that I am no better than a man because all I can think about is fucking; like I cannot comprehend the value of a man besides sex.
I have a problem.
Ok, I am a bit lonely and I feel bad because I have my son here and some people have no one. I try to remember that he only has me and that is rude to be focused on myself all the time. I am trying to take care of myself a little more and not be as isolative but it is so hard. In the long run though I just don’t want my son to pick up my habits so I am working hard to be more human.
So much is going on with my family: My 38 year old cousin had a stroke from too much drugs I assume. This is my first cousin and after my mom died I was raised by my grandmother that was also raising him because his parents were strung out. He called me crying saying that he was in the hospital but I did not go see him and I feel bad. So I am going to drag myself across the bay bridge tomorrow because even though he is a druggy I cannot turn my back on him. My nephew two year old nephew has whiplash after getting rear ended by a semi after getting caught up in a ‘sideshow’. Poor baby! It makes me hate niggas and their trifling ways and another reason that I won’t move from San Francisco even though it’s a fucking cesspool in its own right.
Ok I guess that’s it. I am adding a song called ‘Anchorage’ to the top of this post. I used to live in Anchorage even though I did not do shit while I was there! This song made me think of how lonely I was when I was there. Sometimes I wish I never left but I would have never had my son and he is the most important thing to me.
I called in sick today. I was not too sick to go to work but I have my period and did not want to deal with that there. I usually grin and bear it and menstruate at work but even at 30 fucking 3 I feel so self- conscious. I have a million period related disasters that have scarred me for life. I did not learn until I was in my 20’s that my heavy periods were not normal and were caused by uterine fibroids. These are no fun and the leading cause of hysterectomies among Black chicks like me. Anyway I am sure you are all thrilled to read about my menstrual problems but I am going to end here: But on a related note have you all heard of ‘soft tampons’? They are like sponges you stuff in there as opposed to tampons. I think I have a giant vagina and I have not even had that much sex or babies in my life to make it so out of shape because of this tampons never stay in place. I am thinking these sponge thingies might do the trick because they plug up the whole hole. I am going to buy some and let you all know how it works out.
I am pretty convinced that have that severe PMS disease. The week before I get my period I am practically suicidal. Instead of killing myself I decided to buy myself some flowers. If I had a boyfriend I would like him to do something like for me if I was cranky. Since we all know I don’t have a boyfriend and never will I decided to start doing these nice little things for myself. Anyway it is going to be a long week; I am so over menstruation problems.
One night stands are common at least they are among the people I know. I totally was irresponsible and hooked up with a random stranger off the net. That is so unlike me but sometimes I get so tired of being so cautious. It was not worth it at all though; I risked life and limb for mediocre sex with some dude that could be a walking petri dish of STD’s. I was a little tipsy as well as usual during SF PRIDE I get so fucked up that my decision making can be a little skewed. I have met dudes off the net before and I should learn my lesson that it is never worth. The sex I imagine in my head has not come to fruition yet instead of sensual massages and meaningful cunnilingus I get drunken dudes trying to fuck me in the ass. I used protection of course but there is always the fear I have picked up some STD.
After I did the deed with the guy I got dressed in a hurry he wanted me to stay but there was no way I was going to bang him in the AM. I thought the dude was being gentleman for walking me to the bus stop but can you believe he asked me for $5 for beer!? Fuck man, but I can’t blame anyone but myself. I definitely have ‘Fuckers Remorse’ mainly because I have a shitty attitude about sex in general and I put my life at risk for nothing; I did not get what I was looking for.
This will be the last NSA hookup I have ever; I might have said that before but I really mean it! I want to feel something in my body that a stranger will never be able to give me. There is a real chance that I will never be touched with love but you can’t have it all.
This is some serious bullshit but I don’t think it has anything to do with the condition of black people. Just because some black hoes decide to drop it low in Wal-Mart while some ignorant negroid ‘raps’ does not mean it represents Blacks, I mean some Black people but not all. We do that too much as people just because some of us do some foul shit we don’t have to own it; celebrate individuality, let Mr. Ghetto do him.
If Wal-Mart does not sue the shit out of them I personally think that they are in on it cause its no way security did not see this on the camera. I personally avoid Wal-Mart due to the undesirables that hang out there, it seems the cheaper the merchandise the lamer the people act.
TMI: I got a tiny boner from watching the ladies dance.
2011 came in with a whimper for me I was actually asleep when the big moment came. Like I said I have been working like a bitch for the last two weeks so I have not had time to share holiday cheer. But I had sometime to reflect on 2010 though and it was it doozy.
I started 2010 unemployed laid off from the shittiest job I have had as an adult. I really wish I could name this lame non-profit but in the interest of my own anonymity I won’t. I also had another failed internet romance which I should have been smart enough not to be in anyway; did I mention a HPV diagnosis (not the wart kind the cancer kind)?
Basically it was really shitty to begin with but I handled that shit like a champ. Leaving my job was the hardest part but I really stepped up for myself; I was being emotionally abused by my coworkers and was like ‘fuck it’; I’d rather struggle than lose more self respect. I guess the HPV sucked too because as I often mention I never fuck so it was discouraging that I picked that shit up; its real common though hence why they are pushing the vaccine on so many girls. I am happy to report though as of November I am HPV free unless I picked it up again with my recent activities.
I started seeing a therapist in early 2010 and that was weird but it’s nice to have someone to vent on but even though sometimes I can tell that he is over it, but it has been an overall pleasant experience. The most important thing I figured out from therapy is that you have to let shit go and that people have their own shit going on so putting the blame on me for all my failed relationships (personal and platonic) is not really healthy.
My hope for this New Year is that I can find some real direction as I am tired of just being a drone. I want to be happy and spend as much time as possible feeling happy about something not being nervous and sad. I have been really taking charge of my life in some ways; for example I quit three jobs that paid well because I was not happy; I also have been nicer to myself in terms of my weight and looks.
So blah blah blah 2010 was a trip and basically I want 2011 to be a party. With all the birds falling dead out the sky; earthquakes, and crazy weather you never know when it’s going to be over.
Being single has not been a choice for I feel like it has been kind of thrust upon me. The last ‘relationship’ I had was with my ‘babydaddy’ and that was five years ago. Buddy was completely using me so in my heart it does not feel like it should count, I had a girlfriend and that was real but a long time ago as well.
Besides my physical appearance I spend a lot of time thinking about why I attract such losers and how come no one ‘likes’ me. It’s really draining and it makes me feel depressed too. So I have decided to let it go, accept the fact that I am single. Accept it and not put my self down for being ugly and fat. I also have these elaborate fantasies of what my life would be like if I were prettier. Beauty is no guarantee of love and happiness, obviously; look at all the celebrity couples getting divorced.
Anyway its also really depressing to give up but I am trying to look it as living in the moment as opposed to wishing for a life that is not yours to have, also as not depending on others for happiness and taking the challenge to better myself. I miss SEX though I am not going to lie, I’ll live though.
I did not go anywhere this Thanksgiving I did not want to be bothered with my family or traveling because I have to work later. I made my own turkey, dressing and sides; of course my boy refused to eat anything but pie. The Sara Lee pumpkin pie I bought tasted kind of gross but I have the cherry in the oven and maybe that will taste better.
I am so not looking forward to working tonight it would be the perfect evening just to veg out and pick at the turkey till I felt gross.
Speaking of food I want to start a macrobiotic diet next week. My confidence is so low but I need to turn that shit around because I heard that is half the battle. Anyway here are some of the things that I am grateful for:
1. My son.
2. My son being healthy.
3. That I can think and I am not mentally disabled.
4. The opportunity…
I took a vow of celibacy recently but sometimes on days like this I wish I had a partner. Not just because I miss the sex but when you are stressed it is good to talk to someone that really cares.
I did my first full day of work and I feel like so…institutionalized. I am right back in the groove of things just like I have not been working for the last six months. Ok, I am lay down before I pass out; the rest of my day will be furtive masturbation and anxious thoughts.
I have sex like once every two years. I would like to do it more but I have a lot of issues. But the main thing is that I don’t want to have sex with someone I don’t like and vice versa. Anyway there was this dude that lurked around my building for years and he seemed to fancy me. He is an African and he fit that stereotype of them liking women on the large side.
So after years of celibacy I let him take me on a ‘date’, what an ordeal. I am all frigid usually but you know I was ready for some loving! Without getting too graphic we never completed the ‘consummation of our lovemaking’ because he could not keep a stiffy. Since I am kind of inexperienced I thought it was something I was doing wrong.
So recently when I ran into dude again it had been almost a year since I abused myself with meaningless sex. On my birthday no less we had another ‘date’ and it was the same thing, he could not stay hard for more than thirty seconds. He had the nerve to tell me he likes threesomes, I am like dude you can’t even handle a twosome.
I talked to my gay guy friend and he thinks that he is gay but my two female friends seem to think that maybe he has some sort of erectile dysfunction. I was under the impression that I was so gross maybe he couldn’t perform but then that would not make sense because he keeps coming back. Anyway I am not even going to try with this guy anymore he is nice enough but we are not compatible I guess.
On a personal note I am pretty much going to be celibate forever which is ok I guess. Ok, I am not gonna lie I am bitter as hell but whatever anyway here are some stats on erectile dysfunction from some site:
Erectile Dysfunction Statistics:
• One in 10 men in the world have erectile dysfunction.
• 30 million men in the United States have erectile dysfunction.
• 50% of men with diabetes have erectile dysfunction, frequently within 10 years of diagnosis.
• The likelihood of erectile dysfunction increases with age: 39% at age 40, 65% over the age of 65.
• Smokers have a higher likelihood of erectile dysfunction. Men who smoke more than 1 pack per day have a 50% higher chance of impotency than nonsmokers the same age.
Maybe I should not be celibate forever but every dude I run into has some severe issue. Um, I could totally act on my Lesbian tendencies but I am not sure if my heart would be in it.