I am at a weird place in my life; except for my son I am pretty much alone. I really don’t have to talk to adults in person except for when I go to work or walk into a store and exchange pleasantries with a clerk or something.
It feels good though; I feel as if can do anything because I am not trapped in any relationship or any career. Anyway my 33 birthday is next month so if I am going to “do something” it better be soon because I officially not young anymore.
I have been reading and listening to a lot of people talk about the “The Law of Attraction” and how basically the premise is that “To do better you have to think better”; in essence that is thinking more positively.
So these days I am wondering why I never have sex and how come I don’t have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend, really!).Growing up I never had a guy say he likes me or been in a relationship with a guy. I always assumed because I was so gross and fat; this is what actually I heard from my family and friends. In school I was ostracized for my weight and hygiene for which I was not sure was really a problem; because all fat people stink right?
At the ripe old age of 32 I want to move away from this prison that has been created for me. There is no reason I have to be single for the rest of my life because I have been shit on by my family and have absorbed all the negative info that people have downloaded to me thus far.
I AM FUCKABLE!
The only problem is that I don’t wanna get used up or ran through and there are very few men that catch my interest. What I am looking for in a man is a best friend and lover but honestly I have little faith that men are useful beyond sex. My son’s father is a complete dick and I hold all men next to him and I am quite sure this type of baggage I carry is limiting.
The real problem is getting over the notion that I am not lovable and that I am too gross. How do you overcome that and is there enough positive thinking in the world to defeat my whole imbedded psyche?
Anyway I have no idea where to begin but I deserve love I am convinced and my goal is to at least try and move outside of my comfort level; a relationship has to be possible, right? Even if I never get a boyfriend and end up watching Redtube in my free time I want to say I at least tried; so I will keep you all updated.
My Grandfather died a few weeks ago and the whole debacle with his illness and death is a testimony to the breakdown and dysfunction in my family. My Grandfather was a hard working man and had built up a pension and was living comfortably during his retirement. When he got sick he moved back to California to be near his family but he made the mistake of putting my crackhead uncle in charge of his affairs.
Something about crack that makes people really mean and awful; because he and my GP have the same name he has been able to drain all of his accounts. I would not feel so bad if the money was going to keep my uncle and his kids comfortable but it’s not; it’s all going to the dope man.
Anyway I try to reconcile it all that neither of my GP’s are senile; they both know my uncle is a crackhead and they put him in charge. Also I am just a grandchild and I don’t have much say seeing as they have living children.
My uncle decided not to have a funeral I am guessing because he wanted to hide the fact he is dead so he can continue to drain his accounts. I was going to write an obituary and put in the paper but I just decided to stay out it. It won’t change anything my uncle still going to be hitting the crack pipe and my grandmother still going to go along with it all.
Oh my! I am so depressed this week and these are the type of songs I am listening to. I speak Spanish, kinda of, so when I am depressed this song goes into heavy rotation. I first heard this song when I was 18 and living in Bolivia. It reminds me of all my angst; angst that I still have but too old for it to be appropriate.
Fuuuck I thought I hated Beyonce! I been listening to her for like 5months straight now. She hooked me into this ‘Countdown’ song by using a Boys 2 Men sample and now I listen to this song 30x a day. This shit is catchy as hell but I honestly believe that this type of music dumbs you the fuck down. The lyrics of this song are not original and basically Beyonce has been singing about the same thing for the last 15 years. Oh well, maybe my brain needs a break from all the sad shit I listen to and think about; I won’t even begin to tell you about Rihanna.
I work with drug addicts and mental patients; chicken or the egg, I have no idea. As depressing and soul crushing as this type of work can be I usually leave there a little more optimistic and thankful; thankful it’s not me on the other side of the desk. When I hear the stories of my client’s they sound a lot like my own, bad parents, drug addiction, and abuse, how did I turn out so good? I go to work and function pretty normally for someone who has went through some of the shit that I did. I have room for improvement for sure but so glad I am in control of my mind and body for the most part. I am sure I was getting on my therapist nerves last week because of my depression that makes me almost get a personality disorder, but I pull through that shit without too many people know I was doing bad. Anyway I might not be this ‘happy’ tomorrow but it’s good to have those moments of clarity where you see your life is not that shitty.
Aww lawd! I am visiting the one person that reads my blog so I doubt anyone noticed that I was on vacation. I am currently in sunny (freezing) Philadelphia spending time with old friends. There has been a lot of stuff going while I was away from my trusty (rusty) Dell desktop computer. Steve Jobs died. Nancy Grace farted. People were protesting in San Francisco.
My personal struggles have included relapsing on carbs and soda, chasing dick with mental illness, and struggling with being a pushover Vs. an aggressive bitch. Anyway if my flight is ok (and I pray that it is) I should be home tomorrow. Then I will back to not posting regularly on my blog.
I am posting this video of Toni Monroe I wanna be a BBW rapper now.
I wish I could forget your number it’s not that I have the urge to call you but if your number would permanently erase from my brain things would feel final. Our friendship did not die with a big argument but when you stopped calling me I stopped calling you. You stood me up one too many times and even said in your own words “I am just focused on other things”. To myself I was like ‘why even make plans then’? Our friendship was great when it was great and I really appreciate all the time we spent together laughing. I was bitter when our friendship ended but now I am ok. People change and grow and eventually move on; but I really want to forget your number. I bet you don’t remember mine I was always a lot more sentimental than you. Anyway I hope you are well and happy, I am the same for the most part and I am making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.
What the fuck am I doing with my life? Time drags on and I feel like I am not really accomplishing anything just existing. I just wonder exactly what the point of it all is. I know I am supposed to go to work and make money but doing what I am doing I am never going to get rich enough to do shit besides work more. Adult life is this endless cycle of things you have to do just because you have to.
If I could do anything I want I would move into a big house, travel, spend more time with my son and teach him the things I want him to learn. As it stands now my boy spends more time with the babysitter and I live in a small apartment that I pay to live in by doing work that drains me.
Anyway I am pretty sure that there is more to life and that one day I will find peace; this is what keeps me going.
What’s wrong with this picture? First this dude is laid out with a broken leg, you can’t really see but his dick is exposed, and lastly there is a can of computer duster stuck to his hand that he has been huffing. It may seem kind of mean to post pictures of random losers but I know this guy! Which brings me to the point of this post: I am done torturing myself with users and abusers I have sprinkled throughout my life.
So I have mentioned my friend/neighbor a few times but basically he is a 47 y/o gay man that has a lot of substance abuse problems (alcohol and meth). I am not sure how we became friends but he use to be a porter in my building before he got fired. I am so distrustful of men but he can be really a good dude when he is sober. In the beginning he had a lot more sober time than dirty but now all that has changed. More often than not he is coming down off of meth or drunk. When he used to call me all paranoid off of meth I set the boundary that he could not call me ever if he was like that. But as he has started using more and more his behavior is getting worse; he is doing shit like having strange dudes come to his apartment that pull knives on him and such.
I asked him to walk me home from work because I got off late and he showed up shit face drunk. It was so embarrassing he kept grabbing my titties and ass and I was literally begging him to stop. He is gay but that did not make me feel less violated he was grabbing me hard. He calmed down a little bit when we made it to the sitters to pick up my son but completely lost it by the time we made it our apartment building. He went off on some racist tirade against Asians and was so belligerent I could not believe it was the same person.
The next day I confronted him about what he did and he completely blew off how serious it was and basically said that something that I did prompted this behavior. I could not get over the fact that he could not even pull himself together for an hour to do me a favor when I have been going out of my way for him for years.
Then I had to turn the mirror back to myself and ask the question, when will I ever learn? This is not the first time I have been disappointed and hurt by an addict, why the fuck is this dude in my life? So basically I told him I was done and that unless he could get clean I did not want to be bothered. I am really done with trying to help people that don’t want it; unless its work related.
The last time we spoke I texted him the above picture of his BF I randomly saw lying on the sidewalk; these are the type of people he hangs with. Also when I say I am done I am done; the door was left open a little in that I said ‘if he gets clean’ but he ain’t never gonna do that.