I am so drunk right now. Not really drunk drunk but drunk enough to forget I have a block against writing now. So a few updates are that I have decided to apply to graduate school; I am pretty motivated because it’s only like a 2 blocks away from my apartment. A year ago or so I wrote a post ‘fuck college’ or something along those lines but now I know I cannot make more money unless I go into more debt. I want to be a Family Marriage Therapist or and MFT. Everybody and their mama is becoming and MFT but I am pretty confident I can find my niche. Applying for college has got me to thinking about the first time I went to school and all the missed opportunities; I promise myself this time if I am lucky enough to graduate (or even attend) I am going to ride the fuck out of this thing. When I was college I did not have a lot of sex and was not very relaxed. If I get into school this time I am gonna hook up at least 3x and be relaxed as fuck because I know the game a little better now.
I am so bored and horny that I have been contemplating hooking up with one of my coworkers. This dude is just like every other dude that I have hooked up with in the past; an unavailable dick. I wonder if I will ever find a dude that likes me and I realize that I have some shit to work one before I can make that happen. I am getting more into that ‘law of attraction’ stuff and I realize that I more focused on what I don’t want than what I do. I cannot stop thinking about all my bad experiences and such and what I hate about men. Sometimes though I think that I am no better than a man because all I can think about is fucking; like I cannot comprehend the value of a man besides sex.
I have a problem.
Ok, I am a bit lonely and I feel bad because I have my son here and some people have no one. I try to remember that he only has me and that is rude to be focused on myself all the time. I am trying to take care of myself a little more and not be as isolative but it is so hard. In the long run though I just don’t want my son to pick up my habits so I am working hard to be more human.
So much is going on with my family: My 38 year old cousin had a stroke from too much drugs I assume. This is my first cousin and after my mom died I was raised by my grandmother that was also raising him because his parents were strung out. He called me crying saying that he was in the hospital but I did not go see him and I feel bad. So I am going to drag myself across the bay bridge tomorrow because even though he is a druggy I cannot turn my back on him. My nephew two year old nephew has whiplash after getting rear ended by a semi after getting caught up in a ‘sideshow’. Poor baby! It makes me hate niggas and their trifling ways and another reason that I won’t move from San Francisco even though it’s a fucking cesspool in its own right.
Ok I guess that’s it. I am adding a song called ‘Anchorage’ to the top of this post. I used to live in Anchorage even though I did not do shit while I was there! This song made me think of how lonely I was when I was there. Sometimes I wish I never left but I would have never had my son and he is the most important thing to me.
drugs
There has to be more to life! Today a client at work tried to punch me in the face. While I was bobbing and weaving I was thinking ‘what the fuck am I doing with my life’?! I spend my whole life wrapped up in the foibles of tweekers and baseheads, it’s all very tiring. I was up since 4 am because some pathetic tweeker was moaning, cussing, and screaming under my window then to go to work and get abused by them for money is almost ironic.
Anyway I am so over working for the mental health system; these hospitals and clinics are just camp for crackheads. I want to help people but there is something about dealing with someone who has been on drugs for years that sucks all the compassion out of you. Sometimes I look into their eyes and there is nothing there the only thing they care about is drugs, fucking, and eating.
I am not sure what I going to do but I wish for a time when I won’t have to deal with violent crackheads.
An up and coming SoCal rapper named Inkyy tweeted “Yolo” before his drunken friend crashed into a wall and killed him. When I read the article in the DailyMail (my new favorite depressing website) I checked out the guy’s music and was prepared to be underwhelmed but his single was actually good.
This guy let his whole future be destroyed over weed and alcohol which is so stupid. From this point on can we use YOLO for important life risks? Yell YOLO when you are about to climb a mountain or ask someone to marry you. You can no longer say YOLO to justify drunk driving or having sex with some stripper you just met.
YOLO but YODO (You only die once) too!
Bobbi Kristina Brown was at the Billboard Music awards the other night; while I did not waste brain cells watching it I have an opinion. I think Bobbi Kristina should use whatever wealth her mom was able to leave her and live a comfortable life outside the spotlight. I hear there are plans for a reality show and perhaps a singing career for her. This would be a bad idea to walk into a life that just chewed up and spit out your mom. Seeing as Bobbi K grew up with little stability due to her parents’ volatile relationship and substance abuse she probably less equipped to deal with fame than her mother was. I wish her well ultimately but with her own substance abuse she should just lay low and not do a crappy reality show or pursue some mediocre music career.
My Grandfather died a few weeks ago and the whole debacle with his illness and death is a testimony to the breakdown and dysfunction in my family. My Grandfather was a hard working man and had built up a pension and was living comfortably during his retirement. When he got sick he moved back to California to be near his family but he made the mistake of putting my crackhead uncle in charge of his affairs.
Something about crack that makes people really mean and awful; because he and my GP have the same name he has been able to drain all of his accounts. I would not feel so bad if the money was going to keep my uncle and his kids comfortable but it’s not; it’s all going to the dope man.
Anyway I try to reconcile it all that neither of my GP’s are senile; they both know my uncle is a crackhead and they put him in charge. Also I am just a grandchild and I don’t have much say seeing as they have living children.
My uncle decided not to have a funeral I am guessing because he wanted to hide the fact he is dead so he can continue to drain his accounts. I was going to write an obituary and put in the paper but I just decided to stay out it. It won’t change anything my uncle still going to be hitting the crack pipe and my grandmother still going to go along with it all.
This song is no joke, I was out getting coffee and running errands this morning all stressed out and shit and I noticed people were looking all happy and shit. Usually in the morning I am dodging panhandlers but not today; and I realized today is the 1st!
So the ‘Song of the Day’ is dedicated to all the people that got their check today and will be living the life for the 1-3 days when their money runs out.
What’s wrong with this picture? First this dude is laid out with a broken leg, you can’t really see but his dick is exposed, and lastly there is a can of computer duster stuck to his hand that he has been huffing. It may seem kind of mean to post pictures of random losers but I know this guy! Which brings me to the point of this post: I am done torturing myself with users and abusers I have sprinkled throughout my life.
So I have mentioned my friend/neighbor a few times but basically he is a 47 y/o gay man that has a lot of substance abuse problems (alcohol and meth). I am not sure how we became friends but he use to be a porter in my building before he got fired. I am so distrustful of men but he can be really a good dude when he is sober. In the beginning he had a lot more sober time than dirty but now all that has changed. More often than not he is coming down off of meth or drunk. When he used to call me all paranoid off of meth I set the boundary that he could not call me ever if he was like that. But as he has started using more and more his behavior is getting worse; he is doing shit like having strange dudes come to his apartment that pull knives on him and such.
I asked him to walk me home from work because I got off late and he showed up shit face drunk. It was so embarrassing he kept grabbing my titties and ass and I was literally begging him to stop. He is gay but that did not make me feel less violated he was grabbing me hard. He calmed down a little bit when we made it to the sitters to pick up my son but completely lost it by the time we made it our apartment building. He went off on some racist tirade against Asians and was so belligerent I could not believe it was the same person.
The next day I confronted him about what he did and he completely blew off how serious it was and basically said that something that I did prompted this behavior. I could not get over the fact that he could not even pull himself together for an hour to do me a favor when I have been going out of my way for him for years.
Then I had to turn the mirror back to myself and ask the question, when will I ever learn? This is not the first time I have been disappointed and hurt by an addict, why the fuck is this dude in my life? So basically I told him I was done and that unless he could get clean I did not want to be bothered. I am really done with trying to help people that don’t want it; unless its work related.
The last time we spoke I texted him the above picture of his BF I randomly saw lying on the sidewalk; these are the type of people he hangs with. Also when I say I am done I am done; the door was left open a little in that I said ‘if he gets clean’ but he ain’t never gonna do that.
Since my last post was about Amy Winehouse I will give her the honor of being “song of the day” on antijemima.com. Someone actually uploaded her whole album ‘Frank’ on YouTube. Its so weird looking at pictures of her in better health; drugs are a bitch!
It’s sad she died but like people are saying its no surprise; to even glance at her you can tell she was seriously ill. I am not going to bash her in death but I will admit that I am neutral about her death.
She was good singer and songwriter but she was also human; and all humans die. Amy was a drug addict and their life expectancy is very low. I see daily how drug addiction can ruin people’s spirit and body. But at the end of the day it’s their life and decision to get fucking high till they die; addicted or not.
Amy lived life her way and I don’t think anyone could have saved her expect for her.
I gave in to my carnal urges and went on a ‘date’ with the Random Dude (RD) that had been texting me all week. I was really conflicted about whether I should let myself be a part of a ‘pump and dump’ which is where a dude is looking for sex and once you give it up you will never hear from them again. My main concern about sex is diseases the next thing is basically the guilt and shame I tend to have with sex.
I talked to RD about safe sex and he said the only brand he can use is Magnum Ecstasy and he put it upon me to buy them. I was instantly peeved that I had to put out money but he was supposed to bring weed so I felt it evened out; plus the price of condoms is small in compared to what they do.
He was supposed to come over around 7 and I was waiting anxiously I had showered and I was afraid of getting stinky again waiting for him. He did not make to my apartment until 9PM and I was incredibly annoyed; did I mention that this RD was also high out of his mind?! Fortunately it did not seem to be anything other than weed and booze but I was irritated and my mind starting wandering and telling me that this dude had to be high to get it on with me. When we got to my apartment he pulled out the blunt and it was half smoked, he pulled out the booze and it was half drunk. Really; these cheap ass antics was really not making me feel in the mood to bang. But as I smoked the half blunt and three shots left in the bottle I got more relaxed. I was able to remember why I had agreed to fuck him in the first place; he the type of dude that oozes sex.
I won’t gross you all out with the gory details but I really had sex with this dude; nasty adult type sex. I did ok seeing as it has been a long time since I have done anything. I had sex once in 2010 and probably nothing for year before that so I was rusty. I am really self conscious about my skills but me not liking this dude in a romantic way made me a little more confident because I did not have anything to lose if I was awful. I will say that 15-20 minutes of actual penetration is all that I have in me stamina wise and this dude went on for an hour; I actually got bored. After the deed RD was like “Wow I really gotta go I got to get up for work at 440AM”, I was just laughing partly because of the weed but mostly because the whole after sex scene is so predictable. I think he had a genuine fear that I was going to ask him to stay the night but obviously I am not like other women; I really don’t want to have to look at you in the morning either, so kick rocks! I am not cold I just know men don’t like to stay and I stopped wanting that; after he left I just kicked back and finished my wine coolers, sanitized my apartment, and watched videos on youtube.
I have to mention is that I would totally have sex with him again if the opportunity arose; I feel like if I had more practice that sex could be even better for me. This dude could never be relationship material though; remember I mentioned the box of condoms I bought? Something told me before he came not to put them all out because they might walk away. So I put out four we used two but he took the other two with him. That is so trifling in my opinion; those shits are expensive and basically he took condoms I bought to fuck another chick; I am all for safe sex but that is just some classless broke nigga shit. Maybe I WONT have sex with him again.