One night stands are common at least they are among the people I know. I totally was irresponsible and hooked up with a random stranger off the net. That is so unlike me but sometimes I get so tired of being so cautious. It was not worth it at all though; I risked life and limb for mediocre sex with some dude that could be a walking petri dish of STD’s. I was a little tipsy as well as usual during SF PRIDE I get so fucked up that my decision making can be a little skewed. I have met dudes off the net before and I should learn my lesson that it is never worth. The sex I imagine in my head has not come to fruition yet instead of sensual massages and meaningful cunnilingus I get drunken dudes trying to fuck me in the ass. I used protection of course but there is always the fear I have picked up some STD.
After I did the deed with the guy I got dressed in a hurry he wanted me to stay but there was no way I was going to bang him in the AM. I thought the dude was being gentleman for walking me to the bus stop but can you believe he asked me for $5 for beer!? Fuck man, but I can’t blame anyone but myself. I definitely have ‘Fuckers Remorse’ mainly because I have a shitty attitude about sex in general and I put my life at risk for nothing; I did not get what I was looking for.
This will be the last NSA hookup I have ever; I might have said that before but I really mean it! I want to feel something in my body that a stranger will never be able to give me. There is a real chance that I will never be touched with love but you can’t have it all.
I wonder if I ever will be in love? The last couple of months have been a real eye opener; I have had a lot of encounters with shiftless no account dudes. All they want to do is fuck they not even giving me the chance to settle; not that I would anyway. We all know about ‘Random Dude’ but I don’t have negative feelings about that guy because he was really straight forward about what he wanted and I did not expect anything. I hate it though when people try to play you for stupid and try to trick you into some shit or treat you like a practice hoe (being treated like a prostitute without pay).
I mentioned a few months ago about this older guy that works in my building that was interested in me. We exchanged numbers and after a few months of texts and failed attempts to meet up, I figured he was married or something and moved on. I would still see him around the building and say my cordial ‘hellos’ but I did not have any feelings about it either way; plus he was not even my type.
But surprise surprise, while I was on vacation I started getting texts and phone calls from him out the blue. When I finally answered it was more annoying small talk, just please tell me what you want. Personally I think that this is growth on my part because in the past if a guy took the time to text or call I would get all excited but as we all know actions speak so much louder than words. So the Maintenance Man and I tentatively made a few dates to meet up for dinner; like I said he is not my type but I felt like a date would not hurt; but he flaked each time. So all of a sudden a few weeks ago he starts knocking on my door in the middle of the day this happened at least 7 times in 10 days. I was like “what the fuck”, so finally he calls me and is like “I come by your house how come you don’t answer the door”? Really I don’t know this dude from jack shit, why would he want to come in my apartment for? So I politely explained to him that if I don’t expect company I don’t answer the door and I am busy during the day if I am home. So sometimes I feel I am overly suspicious and profile most men as predators so I gave him another out to redeem himself of the idea I had of him; that he was another fucking loser looking for cheap sex and was not really interested me as a person. So I again asked him “do you want to meet for dinner or something”, and do you know what this motherfucker told me? “No, I was just wondering if I just come to your apartment for a cool drink of water”. Fuck you asshole, ‘cool glass water’ equals ‘quick head on your lunch break’; GTFOH! This is one example of what I have been going through but I could mention at least three different men that have stepped to me the same way.
I know men don’t want to be seen with me in public because I am not attractive but whatever; I am not going to be cum dumpster. So at this point I have given up on a relationship, I am not saying that I will never have sex but it will be on my terms. The hard part is that from experience I know sex is not good without an emotional connection but people are too busy scheming for easy sex to get to know people.
I am totally dickmatized I can say for certain this is the first time this happened to me in the 13 years I have been having sex. That Random Dude (RD) from a few weeks ago is all that I can think about. I have had opportunity to have relations with other dudes but I could not go through with it because this man is on my mind. I talked to my therapist and he was at a loss for words and I suspect it’s because the last two years I have been this asexual mortal and now all of a sudden I am dick hungry.
This dude is no good though but the upside is that I absolutely have no romantic delusions about him; he doesn’t give a fuck about me and I don’t give a shit about him outside of his schlong. I should be happy at least because I guess this somehow confirms my heterosexuality.
I gave in to my carnal urges and went on a ‘date’ with the Random Dude (RD) that had been texting me all week. I was really conflicted about whether I should let myself be a part of a ‘pump and dump’ which is where a dude is looking for sex and once you give it up you will never hear from them again. My main concern about sex is diseases the next thing is basically the guilt and shame I tend to have with sex.
I talked to RD about safe sex and he said the only brand he can use is Magnum Ecstasy and he put it upon me to buy them. I was instantly peeved that I had to put out money but he was supposed to bring weed so I felt it evened out; plus the price of condoms is small in compared to what they do.
He was supposed to come over around 7 and I was waiting anxiously I had showered and I was afraid of getting stinky again waiting for him. He did not make to my apartment until 9PM and I was incredibly annoyed; did I mention that this RD was also high out of his mind?! Fortunately it did not seem to be anything other than weed and booze but I was irritated and my mind starting wandering and telling me that this dude had to be high to get it on with me. When we got to my apartment he pulled out the blunt and it was half smoked, he pulled out the booze and it was half drunk. Really; these cheap ass antics was really not making me feel in the mood to bang. But as I smoked the half blunt and three shots left in the bottle I got more relaxed. I was able to remember why I had agreed to fuck him in the first place; he the type of dude that oozes sex.
I won’t gross you all out with the gory details but I really had sex with this dude; nasty adult type sex. I did ok seeing as it has been a long time since I have done anything. I had sex once in 2010 and probably nothing for year before that so I was rusty. I am really self conscious about my skills but me not liking this dude in a romantic way made me a little more confident because I did not have anything to lose if I was awful. I will say that 15-20 minutes of actual penetration is all that I have in me stamina wise and this dude went on for an hour; I actually got bored. After the deed RD was like “Wow I really gotta go I got to get up for work at 440AM”, I was just laughing partly because of the weed but mostly because the whole after sex scene is so predictable. I think he had a genuine fear that I was going to ask him to stay the night but obviously I am not like other women; I really don’t want to have to look at you in the morning either, so kick rocks! I am not cold I just know men don’t like to stay and I stopped wanting that; after he left I just kicked back and finished my wine coolers, sanitized my apartment, and watched videos on youtube.
I have to mention is that I would totally have sex with him again if the opportunity arose; I feel like if I had more practice that sex could be even better for me. This dude could never be relationship material though; remember I mentioned the box of condoms I bought? Something told me before he came not to put them all out because they might walk away. So I put out four we used two but he took the other two with him. That is so trifling in my opinion; those shits are expensive and basically he took condoms I bought to fuck another chick; I am all for safe sex but that is just some classless broke nigga shit. Maybe I WONT have sex with him again.
I cannot even make this stuff up; my life is either feast or famine and at this moment I am beating random dicks off with a stick (pun intended). So I know this guy from this shit job I had a few years back, before I got laid off we exchanged numbers; but I swear we have had nothing but platonic texting here and there. So imagine my surprise when I got the following texts.
Random Dude: Good morning
Random Dude: How are you doing today mama?
Me: Long night just waking up. What’s up?
Random Dude: I hope it was long in a good way.
Me: I wish I was just working.
Random Dude: I thought you had a wild and sexy night!
Me: Me? LMAO!
Random Dude: Yes you. Would like a hot sexy night compliments of me
Random Dude: Don’t be shy!
Me: You don’t want that!
Random Dude: You would be saying “wow” ALRIGHT whats your favorite position?
Random Dude: Tell me! I want that!
Me: I am celibate right now.
Random Dude: I have been celibate since February. I just got off of that, but I have not had sex yet.
So I have like 50 more texts that go on and on like that and I am just like damn; is sex always this awkward? Why would out of all the women that this guy knows why would he scroll through all the names in his phone and choose me? This guy is sexy too he is Black and Chinese and is very athletic. On the other hand though he has a coke problem (he told me himself last year) and anger issues (which I witnessed with my own eyes); these are traits in dudes I tend to avoid.
The weird part of me is considering it though, why shouldn’t I be having sex? I am really suspicious though and I am thinking like he must have some weird STD or is going to choke me or something. The likely story probably is that this dude is looking for a ‘pump and dump’ and is going through some crisis where his usual chick is not fucking with him.
So I might fuck him but I will be sure to use three types of protection and not be emotionally involved if he comes with any drama. I really miss sex but I don’t miss the anxiety that comes along with it; I don’t even know how to act after sex. I will keep the 4 people that read my blog informed on how it turns out.
The word Nigga has been finding its way into my mental vocabulary quite often lately. I feel better about it because I just don’t mean it for black people; anybody can be a low down dirty ‘nigga’. The term nigga to me is definitely a slur; here is my example of a nigga that ain’t shit.
So I have a youtube page where I post videos of myself basically vlogging I don’t get that many views but from time to time I attract dudes that are enamored with me. I fucked one guy off of Youtube and it turned out to be a big disaster because he was non-committal and was basically using me for a long distance mammy. I also met this little young dude off of there that turned out to be completely muthafucking psycho; he was also looking for a mommy/mammy.
So with those negative experiences I have of course learned my lesson (somewhat). I got a message from some other BBW chaser a few months ago saying he really wanted to get to know me and he thought I was so pretty. I gave him my Facebook and phone number; that can be construed as dumb but I was just bored, I did not have any fantasy that anything would come of it. So we texted a few times and facebooked some. So then one day I open Facebook and see all these pictures he took of this BBW girl; she was a quite beautiful chocolate girl. I commented on the photos that I thought they were nice and she looked pretty.
Then the next day he deleted me! LMAO. So I am guessing his girl was like ‘who dis bitch’ and he got in trouble. The only thing I have to say is “STOP TROLLING FOR PUSSY IF YOU GOT A GIRL AND DON’T BE DUMB ENOUGH TO ADD RANDOM BITCHES TO FACEBOOK”. Anyway this week a new guy is messaging me off of Youtube; more long distance unattainable dick.
ok…..i want you to know that i am a decent college educated man that has never been married and has no children……i was in a very long term relationship that ended about 5 months ago…i am not a user….i have seen your videos on the subject…i am not like those guys…i have always liked you because i not only find you pretty but i have listened to u……u are a special girl ****….i am a good judge of character…i will soon text you
So here we go again but I am hip to the game more now. Guys find women that are long distance so they can fuck around and not have their girlfriend and wives find out and they get their emotional needs met on the phone or whatever without having to put in real work. Knowing that I should steer clear but I am so bored and lonely these days I can fucking use people too if that is the thing to do. Sometimes at work I want to text with someone or make a connection but there is no one. It’s weird for me to become so cold hearted but I been used too many times; no way I am falling for the okie doke no more.
I am kind of like Bill Clinton with my sex life; I tend to fuck people closest to me not giving thought to attractiveness and compatibility. I have my own Monica Lewinsky right now in the form of a late fortish/ fiftyish Mexican dude. He works in my building and he has been giving me all the signals that he might want to do it. I won’t even pretend that it would be anything more than a fuck thing. But he has asked me several times am I single and “why am I always alone”. I think I should totally be spontaneous and get some of that but if that shit goes bad and he turns out to be nuts; he knows where I live! The other voice says that this dude might have herpes or something so I better steer clear.
Anyway nothing will come of this probably I have sex like once a year and I usually save that for around my birthday.
AntiJemima Forum: The sex in my life usually stems from the internet or masturbation but guess what?! Something really hot happened to me. So I am starting a new feature on my site called Antijemima Forum where I talk about para-sex (actual sex if applicable) that I get.
So I have been down to one usable bra; the under wire broke and the metal has been digging right into my tit so I knew I had to get a new bra. Being BBW I cannot buy a bra anywhere I have to go to either torrid or Lane Bryant, I tend to go to Lane Bryant because their bras last a while before becoming torture devices.
So I am in LB checking bras (I wear a size 44 DDD by the way) and I see some good ones. I love shopping at fat ladies stories because there is absolutely no stigma can you imagine if I had to go macy’s or Nordstrom’s?. So anyway I get the bras I want to try on; a purple striped number and basic black. They fit fine but because one of my breasts is bigger than the other (breastfeeding mishap) I was afraid of getting muffin boobs so I asked the sales girl if she thought I should get a bigger size.
She was like “well if you are not to shy can I see”? So we go into the fitting room and I lift up my shirt and she was like “wow”! But not like a gross ‘wow’ but more like a hot ‘wow’. She looked at my boobs for like 2 minutes and I am just looking at her and she is looking at my tits. Then she put her hands under my boobs and was like maybe if you wear it higher and lifted the bra up. When she asked me to turn around she further adjusted the bra but her hands lingered around my nipple area and I could see her face in the mirror and she was smiling. I was smiling too but we did not say anything for another minute and she finally was like “it looks good on you”.
At that point someone else needed to get into a fitting room so she left. I ended up buying two bras and at the register we kept looking at each other and then all of sudden she turned red and we both started laughing.
I am so lame though I totally feel like I should have gotten her number or something. I am the type of person who hardly ever seriously gets hit on and so I know when it’s happening; this was also so blatant too! I could have been getting lesbian loving by this time next week. It is probably a good idea I didn’t though because she could have been psycho; feeling up random chicks in dressing rooms.