I was thinking about abandoning my blog it was getting close to the time for me to pay my hosting fee and I was “fuck it” but I could not let it go. I don’t know why though? I could have totally let Anti-Jemima.com fade into the sunset but not just yet. I may never get a real following but this will always be my platform (as long as I pay for the hosting). I am so bored, I cannot even figure out how to make a menu in search engines or make a favicon. Oh well.
I have been watching Lindsay’s videos for a while; she actually is the person that inspired me to join weight watchers (I lost 50 lbs.). She is also on a “purity journey” (no sex, masturbation, fantasizing, or thinking about sex) which I am a little skeptical of. I think that it’s admirable and wise not to have tons of casual sex or be in relationships that are not elevating but as humans how realistic is abstinence? This is where I think religion is brainwashing and a trap. I have been celibate for some time for various reasons but I think about sex all the time. No amount of praying and repenting can change our biology. Religion makes all those things that we are wired to do naturally (like sex) bad and this keeps you a slave and feeling like crap because you can never truly be perfect. Lindsay has fallen off of her “purity walk” by having some sort of contact and I want to scream to her “why are you torturing yourself”!? As soon I find a guy that is decent I am going to be hopping on his dick as often as possible. So few pleasures in life and religion wants to make you feel guilty about them all. I hope Lindsay finds the peace she is looking for but she is going to have a hard time trying to deny nature.
Click here for to watch her videos!
This is the type of music I listened to when I was a teenager; yes I was depressed and weird.
I have this mental problem where something gets stuck in my head and I cannot stop thinking about it; it literally ruins my day and I feel like shit. So recently I took my son to a new barber, he has been going to a barber since I fucked up his hair once when he was one. The barber cut my son’s hair into a Mohawk (he asked for one) but when he was done it was not quite right. I asked him to trim down the middle and clean it up but he did not do a good job. When it was time to pay I handed him a $20 and was expecting change but he said thank you and sat down and did not offer me any change. When I walked past his shop a week ago he quoted me $15.
I did not say anything though.
So since that time about 4 days ago I have been totally beating myself up and I feel like shit every time I look at my kids shitty haircut that I overpaid for. I feel like I was being scared and weak because I did not defend my son or speak up when I knew I was being cheated. I am good about speaking up sometimes but in the moment I was paralyzed. I can’t be like this though and theoretically I was only cheated out of $5 but this is not the point. I should not be cheated out of a penny especially when I not getting exactly what I asked for.
This is all very anxiety provoking for me though and I don’t know how to turn it off because I should just let it go and resolve to do better next time. I really hate this feeling though because I cannot stop that little voice that is calling me a piece of shit mom.
I am really going to do better though I really have to remind myself of the consequences of not defending myself. Namely ME beating MYSELF up for things I should just let go. I am also going to buy a set of clippers and cut his hair myself from now on; I let one bad experience turn me off from that forever. I am also going to start plucking my own eyebrows; I always feel like they do a shit job on me. Bank of America charged me $30 to stop payment of a check so I am taking all of my money out of their bank.
I am not being random I am just tired of being ripped off and cheated. Times are rough for everyone but that does not mean its ok to take money and not provide the service you are paid for.
Ok, enough complaining I wrote this to help me feel better.
I am so drunk right now. Not really drunk drunk but drunk enough to forget I have a block against writing now. So a few updates are that I have decided to apply to graduate school; I am pretty motivated because it’s only like a 2 blocks away from my apartment. A year ago or so I wrote a post ‘fuck college’ or something along those lines but now I know I cannot make more money unless I go into more debt. I want to be a Family Marriage Therapist or and MFT. Everybody and their mama is becoming and MFT but I am pretty confident I can find my niche. Applying for college has got me to thinking about the first time I went to school and all the missed opportunities; I promise myself this time if I am lucky enough to graduate (or even attend) I am going to ride the fuck out of this thing. When I was college I did not have a lot of sex and was not very relaxed. If I get into school this time I am gonna hook up at least 3x and be relaxed as fuck because I know the game a little better now.
I am so bored and horny that I have been contemplating hooking up with one of my coworkers. This dude is just like every other dude that I have hooked up with in the past; an unavailable dick. I wonder if I will ever find a dude that likes me and I realize that I have some shit to work one before I can make that happen. I am getting more into that ‘law of attraction’ stuff and I realize that I more focused on what I don’t want than what I do. I cannot stop thinking about all my bad experiences and such and what I hate about men. Sometimes though I think that I am no better than a man because all I can think about is fucking; like I cannot comprehend the value of a man besides sex.
I have a problem.
Ok, I am a bit lonely and I feel bad because I have my son here and some people have no one. I try to remember that he only has me and that is rude to be focused on myself all the time. I am trying to take care of myself a little more and not be as isolative but it is so hard. In the long run though I just don’t want my son to pick up my habits so I am working hard to be more human.
So much is going on with my family: My 38 year old cousin had a stroke from too much drugs I assume. This is my first cousin and after my mom died I was raised by my grandmother that was also raising him because his parents were strung out. He called me crying saying that he was in the hospital but I did not go see him and I feel bad. So I am going to drag myself across the bay bridge tomorrow because even though he is a druggy I cannot turn my back on him. My nephew two year old nephew has whiplash after getting rear ended by a semi after getting caught up in a ‘sideshow’. Poor baby! It makes me hate niggas and their trifling ways and another reason that I won’t move from San Francisco even though it’s a fucking cesspool in its own right.
Ok I guess that’s it. I am adding a song called ‘Anchorage’ to the top of this post. I used to live in Anchorage even though I did not do shit while I was there! This song made me think of how lonely I was when I was there. Sometimes I wish I never left but I would have never had my son and he is the most important thing to me.
I am going to post some stuff soon. I been busy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have I posted about something from Alexyss K. Tylor before? She is pretty awesome she is always giving me some uncomfortable truths especially when it comes to men and relationships. There are some decent dudes out there but the bulk of them are losers. It’s unbelievable the amount of danger men will put you in to get sex and the utter disregard men can have for their children. Alexyss talks a lot about being stupid and how low we women can sink for a dream and false hope. She literally saved my life with a video called “wake up bitch” the video was taken down but I will post the 2012 version.
My name is not PAM!
I unsubscribed from ‘The Skorpion Show’ maybe I am getting too old to care but I am tired of pop culture bullshit. I am also tired of hearing about Beyoncé; if you made a SS game where you took a drink every time Kevin or Makael said ‘Beyoncé’ I would have cirrhosis of the liver by now. Also it’s annoying how Kevin always has celebrity advice but he stills lives with his moms. I am so over celebrity worship, there are some many issues people over look worrying about what celebrities are doing. The SS sometimes talks about current issues but their point of view in my opinion can be myopic and I have cringed watching them trying to tackle topics such as abortion and politics. Anyway I wish these guys luck and check out their channel if you care about nonsense.
Song of the: Audra MacDonald: Cradle and All
This song has everything. I am pretty sure it’s about a woman forgiving her family for her fucked up childhood but I could be wrong.
Ahhh Oakland! Some things never change and if something was going to never change that place would likely be Oakland. Growing up in East Oakland I am no stranger to “side shows’, impromptu car rallies where dudes do ‘doughnuts’ and endanger themselves and others to look cool. But when I saw this video pop up on my internet I was amused and disgusted. Niggas are now stopping traffic on busy freeways to show off their gaudy cars and hold up people trying to get here or there.