I should start writing for money! Like really, I spend an incredible amount of time on the internet doing absolutely fucking nothing. I should be making money. Grad school is kicking my ass financially and I am just la la la’ing the fact that there is not guarantee that I will even find a job once I graduate. Anyway I am going to start looking at blogs that pay.
They don’t owe you
I was triggered today at work. I work with men and it’s always a lot of sexist comments about the bodies of women and “hot chicks”. I am not a “hot chick” I am fat Black women that is decent but I have this block that no one will ever love me because I am so ugly. I expressed exasperation to my coworker and they all had a good laugh at my expense but I came to the conclusion, “you are not their fucking responsibility”! I felt so many things all at once and I always do when people bring up beauty and I feel like this fucking ogre. The problem though is that I expect people with no attachment or respect for me to take care of me. I allow people to make feel a certain way when they don’t have the right to. I know that I am not beautiful by society’s standards but does that mean I should feel like shit all the time? It is my own responsibility to look after my own self-worth and my own self esteem. I am a good person and any person that is lucky enough to end up my partner one day will be very worthy. I have so many years of trauma to undo but I just want to be happy ultimately.
People are such assholes if I let every asshole dictate how I feel about myself I will be fucking miserable.
My new idol is TS Madison AKA known as the Big Dick Bitch. As her name implies she is transgendered with a huge schlong. She is so pretty and as a big girl she represents. It reminds that I can be sexy if I tried a little harder.
It’s November! I forgot that I had a blog that I need to update as I am in graduate school. Graduate school is a trip, I am so resentful that I have to go into more debt for the possibility of earning more money. I am also overwhelmed with so much social interactions with my classmates on top of the bullshit I have to go through at work.
I got yelled at for some bullshit and I fucking blew my top. I feel as if people come at me wrong because they can. I present as this quite fat Black chick that’s ok to fuck with. It’s this double edge sword that I have to deal with; go the fuck off and be the angry Black bitch, or be a perpetual doormat for people.
I don’t know.
I know I need to stop caring about what people think about me so much cause it does not matter in the end. I just wish sometimes I did not have to wake up and know that the day was going to be a struggle. People are testing me every day and I am flunking. My White coworkers treat me like a ‘magic Negro’ and my Black coworkers seem threatened by that even though it’s a shit position to be in. I am so happy when I can say fuck it all.
If anyone happens to read this don’t give me shit about being fake. I am in between a rock and hard place. I cannot afford to rock the boat; but work is definitely a buzz kill.
School is not as bad of a drag (if I am not thinking about how much it costs) but I am definitely gaining weight. I also realized that I have no range of emotions compared to others. I am either super mad, sad, or indifferent. I am going to try to work on that in therapy.
Being in grad school has me reminiscing about shit.
This song is about a suicidal friend. I thought of it because I played this song the last year of college till the CD was broken. So when I started school again it made me think of it.
The summer done came and went in the blink of an eye. It was an eventful summer that saw me start graduate school after I told myself that I would never go back to school. I was motivated by the dead end job I have and watching people with no people skills and six brain cells get promoted over me. The school I chose is too expensive but it has a program I can complete while I go to work (fulltime). Anyway if all goes well in about three years I will be a licensed therapist and will be listening to people’s problems for more money, hopefully. In the moment though I have to work on not procrastinating because I am paying too much money to fail.
In my personal life nothing has changed. I had sex once in June and I am not sure if I can really call it that. Yuck. But I am convinced that I will never date and will never have meaningful sex, so why am I even mentioning it? I maintained my weight loss the whole summer, barely! At this point though it’s becoming harder and harder. I do not want to gain weight so I need to get motivated again and at least maintain.
Anyhoo I am working on…sigh.
2 Chainz is one of the worst rappers ever. He is lethargic and seems to be a bit ‘mature’ for his preschool rhymes. Despite this I am in love with his video ‘Feds Watching’ because of how many dark skinned women are featured just being beautiful and not bending over. The last 20 years of hip-hop have seen women degraded and marketed in videos but dark skinned Black women have always gotten the short end of the stick. As with movies, music videos usually feature light skinned or Latino women as the feature or love interest while dark skinned women are relegated to close up shots of their behinds dancing (twerking), you rarely see their faces. I am so starved for the representation of Black women in the media I am excited about a crappy 2 Chainz song.
This video is old but one of the few videos I remember from the early 2000’s that featured a dark skinned Black women; coincidently it also features Pharrell.
I was thinking about abandoning my blog it was getting close to the time for me to pay my hosting fee and I was “fuck it” but I could not let it go. I don’t know why though? I could have totally let Anti-Jemima.com fade into the sunset but not just yet. I may never get a real following but this will always be my platform (as long as I pay for the hosting). I am so bored, I cannot even figure out how to make a menu in search engines or make a favicon. Oh well.
I have been watching Lindsay’s videos for a while; she actually is the person that inspired me to join weight watchers (I lost 50 lbs.). She is also on a “purity journey” (no sex, masturbation, fantasizing, or thinking about sex) which I am a little skeptical of. I think that it’s admirable and wise not to have tons of casual sex or be in relationships that are not elevating but as humans how realistic is abstinence? This is where I think religion is brainwashing and a trap. I have been celibate for some time for various reasons but I think about sex all the time. No amount of praying and repenting can change our biology. Religion makes all those things that we are wired to do naturally (like sex) bad and this keeps you a slave and feeling like crap because you can never truly be perfect. Lindsay has fallen off of her “purity walk” by having some sort of contact and I want to scream to her “why are you torturing yourself”!? As soon I find a guy that is decent I am going to be hopping on his dick as often as possible. So few pleasures in life and religion wants to make you feel guilty about them all. I hope Lindsay finds the peace she is looking for but she is going to have a hard time trying to deny nature.
Click here for to watch her videos!