What the fuck?! I can’t believe a year has gone by so fast. This year was ok. I still didn’t get laid. Still fat but not as much. Still in therapy. All my white “friends” got dumped (long story but i am anti-jemima not fucking aunt jemima). One more year of grad school. So i was busy. Ooo I almost forgot. I got a cat!
I need to be better to myself. So what if I am ugly? What is ugly anyway? I am trying so hard to feel better about myself but I have 35 years of bullshit ideas imbedded in my brain about what it means to be me. I saw this psychic and she said that I need to work on my “internal voice” which basically tells me I am a piece of shit every day. I vow to do better though because what is the point of being fuckin miserable my whole life?
If no one loves you, you have to at least love yourself.
I have no idea what’s going on because for all the time I spend on the internet I avoid most media. So John Mayer had a new album but since he came out hating Black women I been like “fuck him”! But this song in the age of worry is amazing; I came across it because I subscribe to Boyce Avenue on Youtube. So I am posting his song sung by them. My favorite line is ‘You give your heart then change your mind; you’re allowed to do it. Cause God knows its been done to you and somehow you got through it’.
I am consummately distracted. I started grad school. I am a single mother. I doubt my very existence at the moment thus I have been distracted from writing. In addition to all of this I have been lightweight chasing dick. A part of me at 35 feels way too old to be insecure and chasing dick. I am just so underwhelmed that I have not had much sex in my adult years when everyone around me seems to be fucking. I have come to the extremely painful realization that I may never have sex again. Not because I am big Black chick and just bluntly we have no value in today’s dating game. I mean there are dudes that will probably have sex with me but with no pretense or thought to my pleasure and that’s fucking boring. I admit that it may be my faulty thinking that keeps me alone but I am not imagining the disdain that I see in the eyes of so many men.
I am ugly.
I am not a bad person though, so begrudgingly my joy will be in helping others; sidekick de jour. To my credit I am hardly ever jealous, desperate, or delusional. I am just so sad and grief stricken that I will never be loved in that way. I am crying inside. I can’t settle though, so whatever.
I should start writing for money! Like really, I spend an incredible amount of time on the internet doing absolutely fucking nothing. I should be making money. Grad school is kicking my ass financially and I am just la la la’ing the fact that there is not guarantee that I will even find a job once I graduate. Anyway I am going to start looking at blogs that pay.
They don’t owe you
I was triggered today at work. I work with men and it’s always a lot of sexist comments about the bodies of women and “hot chicks”. I am not a “hot chick” I am fat Black women that is decent but I have this block that no one will ever love me because I am so ugly. I expressed exasperation to my coworker and they all had a good laugh at my expense but I came to the conclusion, “you are not their fucking responsibility”! I felt so many things all at once and I always do when people bring up beauty and I feel like this fucking ogre. The problem though is that I expect people with no attachment or respect for me to take care of me. I allow people to make feel a certain way when they don’t have the right to. I know that I am not beautiful by society’s standards but does that mean I should feel like shit all the time? It is my own responsibility to look after my own self-worth and my own self esteem. I am a good person and any person that is lucky enough to end up my partner one day will be very worthy. I have so many years of trauma to undo but I just want to be happy ultimately.
People are such assholes if I let every asshole dictate how I feel about myself I will be fucking miserable.
My new idol is TS Madison AKA known as the Big Dick Bitch. As her name implies she is transgendered with a huge schlong. She is so pretty and as a big girl she represents. It reminds that I can be sexy if I tried a little harder.
It’s November! I forgot that I had a blog that I need to update as I am in graduate school. Graduate school is a trip, I am so resentful that I have to go into more debt for the possibility of earning more money. I am also overwhelmed with so much social interactions with my classmates on top of the bullshit I have to go through at work.
I got yelled at for some bullshit and I fucking blew my top. I feel as if people come at me wrong because they can. I present as this quite fat Black chick that’s ok to fuck with. It’s this double edge sword that I have to deal with; go the fuck off and be the angry Black bitch, or be a perpetual doormat for people.
I don’t know.
I know I need to stop caring about what people think about me so much cause it does not matter in the end. I just wish sometimes I did not have to wake up and know that the day was going to be a struggle. People are testing me every day and I am flunking. My White coworkers treat me like a ‘magic Negro’ and my Black coworkers seem threatened by that even though it’s a shit position to be in. I am so happy when I can say fuck it all.
If anyone happens to read this don’t give me shit about being fake. I am in between a rock and hard place. I cannot afford to rock the boat; but work is definitely a buzz kill.
School is not as bad of a drag (if I am not thinking about how much it costs) but I am definitely gaining weight. I also realized that I have no range of emotions compared to others. I am either super mad, sad, or indifferent. I am going to try to work on that in therapy.